Sunday, May 29, 2005

My Anti-Depressants are Kicking In

Edwin Jackson is only 21. He's young yet, so his disappointing season so far is meaningless. He'll be our number one starter in a couple seasons. The Padres pitching is terrible outside of Jake Peavy. Their recent winnings are largely because of a hot streak by their offense. Once that collapses, they're done for. Derek Thompson is more than capable of being our third starter. Our offense is the best in the division. My new situp exercise routine has increased my penis size by half a centimeter. The longer daylight allows me to see flowers blooming more frequently. The Iraq war is winnable. I have invested in the American stockmarket with confidence. Jesus will greet me at the end of my life in front of the pearly gates. Aahhh, it's wearing off....

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I think we just might be fucked

Haven't written a new entry recently. I'm looking for a job. No, I don't want you to hire me, I know you're chomping at the bit, but I plan on leaving the country as I mentioned before, and so many of you live in this shithole, which is a place I plan on escaping.

So the Dodgers are in third. Do I feel betrayed? Ummmmmmm, yes. Is it the Dodgers' right to be in first place as befits a large market team? You bet. The Dodgers from the late 1940s, to the mid 1990s were the second most popular team in America after the Yankees. They started this campaign of stardom by using the clever PR move of hiring a black infielder, continued it by being championship contenders very often. What is the sign of a popular great team? The sign is how many overrated players it has that everyone talks about. Drysdale, Garvey, Herschiser, Valenzuela, even Koufax and Robinson, all overrated. Yet on the lips of everyone in America. Koufax had just six great seasons, Drysdale is a weak Hall of Famer with a short career, and if Robinson had played in any era but the end of segregation, no way in hell would he be in the Hall. Players used to get into the Hall on the basis of being Dodgers. The next real Dodger to go in will be Piazza, and I can assure you he will be in as a Met, not a Dodger. We have been eclipsed in power by several teams, most notably the Red Sox. It's quite an embarassment.

The Dodgers should be in the market for at least two starters. Erickson should not be on the team. We should dump shit like Edwin Jackson and Greg Miller for a league average starter. Cost should not be an issue. We should regularly have a budget shadowing the salary cap. The fact that we have a third base and left field made up of a hodge podge of career minor leaguers is wrong. The fact that we, every year commit to trying to resurrect the broken career of some old man in our starting pitching is wrong. Erickson has Lisa Guerrero. I have nothing but hope that the Dodgers will win. Who deserves a second chance, me or him? And to top it all off, after a shit outing, he bags on his defense. If that's not asking for a release I don't know what is.

We are in deep shit. Weaver has pitched 3000 innings the last few years and his shoulder is about to bust. Tracy should NEVER pitch him beyond the sixth inning, or beyond 100 pitches. Perez who is injury prone as well should follow the same route. Erickson needs to be released now, and replaced with whatever we have doing well in Vegas, probably Pat Mahomes. Lowe is so-so, but we are told he must be our star pitcher so we're stuck with him. Penny, we'll have to hope gets better, and his arm doesn't explode.

Who do we trade to get starting pitching? Trade the minor league system for now. It is devoid of talent at the AAA level. Jackson is so highly touted, fool another GM into chomping on that bait. We have nothing that can hit at AAA either. As soon as Werth gets healthy, trade his ass too, he has Dreifort written allover him.

I'm kinda glad the Dodgers are doing poorly because it gives me stuff to write about. Of course it is worse for my mental health, but whatever. Later gators.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

So We're Good Now

It's 2.5 weeks into the season, and I'm going to call us winning the division and being eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. I'm that smart. When the team does well there's really nothing to talk about. The only issue I see is the mishandling of Choi by Tracy. This is proof once again that a 56k BASIC program for managing baseball could replace virtually managers in MLB.

If you haven't seen Sin City, I suggest you do it immediately. It is an intensely violent film, and I laughed through most of it. I'm glad the movement I started 10 years ago is finding new recruits, that is laughing through violent scenes in public movie theaters. It's why I would never see a violent film with a woman I'm trying to lay lest she think me a psychopath. Or at least a violent psychopath rather than the gentle psychopath I really am.

My biggest worry with the Dodgers is starting pitching. Scott Erickson is the white Nomo, velocity in the low 80s, winning games largely by luck. I thoroughly expect him to be released within two weeks. We have nothing to replace him, nothing in AAA, Dessens is injured, Penny is replacing Dessens. We've got tons of prospects in AAA and AA that can hit, I say toss one of those for some average starting pitching. Or pray that Alvarez gets better. We'll see. Expect an update in a week or so.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I saw the home opener today, and we won 9-8, in the bottom of the ninth with a bases clearing double by Milton Bradley. The Giants committed 4 errors in the game.

This is why you don't have a team made up of old men. I've been in a few fistfights with men over the age of 60, (I'm 25), and I'll tell you I just have an inherent advantage. The same is true of fielding. When you're old you can't field because your hands are skaky, your eyes are watering, and your bladder is ruptured. You just can't get to the ball fast enough. The average age of the Giants is 72, and it shows. There fastballs lack the stiffness to maintain force if you get my drift, know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge. We just blast them out of the park. It's a good feeling. I expect many more games with terrible pitching and great offense because that pretty much sums up the NL West.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Lowe and Behold, we Suck

At least our defense does. Or at least Valentin's defense does. I'm thinking mid season release, and trading for a third baseman from somewhere, someplace. Nakamura is looking good.

I hate fans. I'm not a fan. I'm a studier of baseball. The fans are the stupidest people on the earth. USA Today did two polls, one asking if someone found guilty of steroid use should be allowed in the Hall of Fame. Most people said he shouldn't be. Then they asked, which would they prefer, a game with a lot of homeruns, or a pitcher's duel. The fans promptly chose a lot of homeruns.

HOMERUNS COME FROM STEROIDS. Period. This is what allows a shit player like Jose Canseco to make out with Madonna, and make a billion dollars on a ghost written drug expose.

If you peruse any of the MLB message boards for more than 10 seconds, I challenge your head to not explode into flames. The typical blather by some dipshit about a player who decided to choose money over team loyalty and betrayed us, or how this or that statistical based analysis has ruined the game. LISTEN TO ME!!! No one in their right mind would turn down a job that paid them twice as much as their current one, even if it is in another city unless they were taking care of their sickly mother, and played the violin for a living like Van Cliburn. NO ONE.

And why in the world is mathematical statistical analyis the order of the day in every fucking facet of life EXCEPT SPORTS? Somehow sports has entered the bizarro phantom zone without me knowing, and become immune to mathematics. The employees in sports, i.e. the players, may perform shittily, but we are bound to them because they are cute and small (Lo Duca), or tall and throw fast (Mota). It is my firm belief that professional sports writers are all mentally retarded with a few exceptions like Rob Neyer. The rest of them are absolutely outpatients from the psycho ward. Bill Plaschke, a detestable little vulgarian with a bald top, who earns several million dollars a year for typing incomplete sentences is my nemesis, along with his obscene self-promoting blow hard pal T.J. Simers. To equal their intelligence, I would have to take a 357 magnum to my temple, aim it so that I wasn't killed but that the entire front portion of my brain was destroyed. Only then would I achieve their level of stupidity and insanity. It is a miracle that by opening up the newspaper every day and turning to the sports section that my sphincter doesn't completely collapse, and my head implode when I read their absolute tripe. In the New World Order, if I were Commissar, I would immediately order their execution for defilement of the State. They are that stupid.

Ok I'm done. I need to rest.

Monday, March 28, 2005

The Dodgers with Beltre

I'm going to descend into Plasckhedom for a moment, and argue that the Dodgers could have kept Beltre, and still had a similar lineup to the one they have now. It's something that will forment debate, and help foster my rep for being an asshole. Here goes our lineup:

League average center fielder
Free agent catcher/Ross

Our starting pitching would like this:

Hodgepodge of people, possibly Jackson eventually

I don't like Ishii. But I think we can wring out of him a similar performance to what Lowe will produce for us for three times the cost, and for three less seasons. I think Lowe will be a league average pitcher. I think Ishii will be as well in terms of ERA. I think this offense will be superior to the one we have because it is slightly less injury prone. The savings from not signing Drew would be put towards affording Beltre, and having less power at catcher probably. What do you think?

Thursday, March 24, 2005

What's Wrong?

Hi! I've been going over various things in my head the last few days, most of which are illegal, so I won't write about them here. But some of these thoughts have been baseball related so here goes. The following is a list of things I think are wrong with the team, and will cause us trouble:

Bullpen: It's the same as last years! Brazobhan will probably have a rookie regression. Gagne is injured. Alvarez is old and injured. Carrera is spotty at times, see his Mariner's career for more info. Dessens is Dessens. Duaner has a funny name. It all adds up to mediocrity. Now I'm sure it was one of the better bullpens in the game last season, but our offense which was decent was totally overhauled, why not overhaul the bullpen? I'm actually not that worried about it because relievers are easy to make, and easy to trade for. But expect problems from it. To say that each and every one of these guys is going to do as well as he did last year is saying a lot.

Offense: On paper, without any injury analysis, our offense is better than it was last year. With some basic rationality and common sense, we could be in trouble. J.D. Drew is injury prone. Milton Bradley is injury prone. Jayson Werth is Darren Dreifort's cousin. Jeff Kent is somewhat injury prone. That is four of eight fielding starters. I have been predicting for months now that Werth will miss most of the season. He is a guaranteed lock to miss at least the first half of April, if you include a rehab stint in the minors. Bradley has chronic hamstring issues, and it wouldn't surprise me if he ends the season early, like he did in Cleveland in 2003. Drew is just a pansy.

I think our starting pitching is great. I think Lowe will be decent not because he's a decent pitcher, but because his shittiness is masked by Dodger stadium and decent defense behind him. Yes, I have retreated from calling Jeff Kent a shitty defender. I still don't think he's as good as Cora, but he was a decent buy. Lowe, due to his contract, was not a decent buy. And J.D. Drew was also a shitty buy. The fact that he has a two year walk away deal is great, but I guarantee you he will not exercise it. He's just too injury prone.

Getting Jason Phillips for Ishii was a good trade. Putting Paul Bako over Ross is dumb, but won't make that much of a difference. Ross can really hit in a limited role. If pitchers forget about him, and rarely see him, he'll hit homeruns like he did in 2003. If they see him a lot, we're in trouble. Bako just can't hit. I expect to see Ross back on the team in a bit though. Hopefully.

So that's it. More in a few days, I'm writing papers.

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