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Saturday, December 13, 2003

Keep 'em comin

Like a cokehead going for his sixth white rail, I'm proud to say that I've been getting tons o' hits in the last few days, and I am AMPED. I'm sure many of you new readers were shocked that a foul mouth mofo like myself would have a benign title like "DodgerKid", sort of like the Sheriff of a small town in Mississippi finding out his daughter is sleeping with a black dude. But hey, good things can come of this new relationship, so stick around, and we'll see.

My brother is coming into town, we'll call him DodgerKid version 2.0, cuz anyone who uses the net as much as I do, is a complete nerd/dork, and we like to label ourselves silly stuff like that. His knowledge of the Lakers and basketball is pretty high up there, and I'll use his info to make player analysis more meaningful, i.e. more meaningful than making fun of the refs and spectators.

The Laker game, I only caught a little of, when Kobe got hit in the eye, so I can't really comment. It was close, and the law of averages had to catch up to us, so after winning so many in a row, we had to lose a couple. God that's crap analysis, I'm going to have to read the LA Times review of the game before I write anymore. Absolutely pathetic of me.

Looking back at that mini Irish bastard McCourt who is about to buy the most storied franchise in American sports, aka, the Dodgers, some interesting points come up. If we look at the LA Times article that was written up recently, there should be cause to worry.

I talked with some people who know finance, ok, I just ended up talking with my dad, but McCourt is essentially buying the Dodgers on LOANS. I've done something similar with my college education, and I can tell you, it's a pretty fucking stupid idea, and I'll be in debt on my death bed. The revenue of the Dodgers is NOT high, due in large part to poor marketing, due in large part to the fact that we have no superstar on the team, and due to the fact that we haven't won a post season game since 1988.

McCourt borrowed against his parking lots that he owns, and he borrowed against the team, sort of what you do when you buy a house, he took out a mortgage. This means that if the Lucky Charms Boston Irish luck of McCourt runs out, the bank will take the team away. If the revenue isn't enough to meet the loan payments, PROBLEMS result.

Truth be told, the article tells us little else. McCourt is a private individual, that means looking at his finances as a public citizen is next to impossible. FOX is a publicly traded organization, that means some enterprising young soul, not me of course, should take the time to analyze the transaction, and at least find out how FOX is going to get paid for the team's sale, and how much the asking price was. The LA Times article mentions that McCourt is buying the team for 330 million, which could mean a number of things, but probably means that he paid in cash some amount in order to get that discount. And if Evans is still playing with a FOX level budget as this article asserts, then FOX may have decided to pay for just the 2004 season, or at least for the contracts it made, meaning that it saw the Dodgers as something it really desperately wanted to get rid of, and McCourt was the right person at the right time. Basically they were willing to sell the team to anyone who could give them a bit of money, and in this recession economy, buyers right now are hard to come by.

If banks, hoodlums, the IRA, or whomever the hell is willing to take a risk on McCourt, and give him this money, because he sure as shit does not have it himself, then that means AT LEAST, that the man is capable of making friends and influencing people. And that COULD be a good thing. But it doesn't mean he knows how to run a baseball team.

And one last note on this article. McCourt is evidentally going to have his 22 year old son play a prominent role in the team. Since his age is around the same as Beltre, Izturis, and Thurston, I recommend that role be as team towel boy/mitt fixer, because being the victim of nepotism in various jobs I've held, there's nothing anyone likes more than some snot-nosed brat who has no clue what the fuck he or she is doing looking over their shoulder and running Daddy's company into the ground. Send the kid to grad school, or the army, I hear they need guys, don't send him to run a 400 million dollar organization. All that will result is the creation of a druggie/club goer/Paris Hilton. Look how nepotism is working for the White House.
Dodgers get Encarnacion

Dodgers.com is reporting that we acquired Encarnacion in a trade, so you know it's true, if they say so. The player has not been named yet who we are going to trade.

Until I see who the player is, I'm not going to comment. Ok, fuck that, I am going to comment, I don't like Encarnacion, in part because he's not that good offensively, and in part because since he's Dominican he probably lied about his age. His offensive stats will undoubtedly fall next year, and hover just around 700 OPS. I guess he'll be an improvement over anyone on the team except Green, which of course says nothing. Rotoworld.com is reporting that J.D. Drew got eaten up by the Braves, so expect them for the 40th year in a row to win their division. Dammit, Schuerholz is a good GM, why can't he work HERE? With every passing day the list of available guys is lessening, I'm still going to hold off on pure panic mode until the Winter meetings end. But I'm not that happy with this acquisition.

UPDATE*****UPDATE

I've been looking over the Dodger message forums, to see what those clowns think of the acquisition. Evidentally, word on the street is this: Encarnacion was a surplus outfielder because they're moving badass Cabrera out there, and he's the worst of the three. They didn't want to offer him arbitration, he's a journeyman anyway, so the best option was to sell him off for a player to be named later, basically some low level minor leaguer, and we take the salary. My fear was that we would give up Odalis for him, that would be one of our only two, or three playing chips gone. Encarnacion plays right field, which was the other problem I had. He's supposedly an amazing defender, and has a cannon for an arm, which automatically makes him 10 times better than Green, so there might be a position change for Green. Jon, of Dodger Thoughts has written how the market options for outfielders are much greater than for first basemen, so any time I see one of our spaces taken up in the outfield, I throw a shit fit. We've already blown through a bunch of the big guys on the market for trades, which is a shame, but I don't think many people outside of Florida knew Encarnacion was on the market, so Dan might still have tricks up his sleeve. Or we'll CRUISE into fifth place next to that AAA team the Padres.
Lakers blow it

After 13 years of beating the Mavs at home, the Lakers lost tonight, with some help from the commissioner's office, the refs, and Mark Cuban's money. Cuban was tired of being defeated by a better team, so he bribed the refs to absolutlely abuse us in the first quarter.

The whole point of referees in the NBA is to act like Muslim wives: SEEN, NOT HEARD. I don't want the goddamn game interrupted every 10 seconds like some American, caucasion wife, asking me for money, telling me I'm terrible in bed, telling me the marriage is over. I want dutiful, quiet, OBEDIENT. Keeps the household running. When you have interruptions like that, and you expel players because they don't return the ball to you properly, and you have this "reputation" of being a so-called badass ref, that's too much. All refs we know, are failed players, they were either too short to make it, or just sucked in general, and have a fetish for being around tall black guys, so just from the get-go you know we're dealing with assholes. When Javie makes a scene like this, and helps the Lakers lose a game, you know something is wrong.

I find it quite interesting that Cuban, who is notorious for hating the refs, not only gets the refs COMPLETELY on his side, he gets them on his side for an away game. Everyone who watches the NBA knows refs are totally biased in home games for the home team, because the spectators kneecaps are inches away from them, and to risk bad calls, is to risk your physical safety. But still, Javie nailed us. I fully expect Javie's new Rolls Royce from Mark Cuban dealerships to be warming up this morning for delivery. The 13 year consecutive losses for the Mavs was just an utter humiliation for Cuban, and when it came time to stop it, he had to stop it in the cheapest way imagineable, by having Javie fuck us over with whistles.

What's unfortunate about this essay, if you can even call it that, is that my opinion squarely agrees with the lead singer of Sugar Ray, that gay guy with the high lights in his hair, and some clown director of "Charlie's Angels" who were interviewed during the game, as if they were real Lakers fans, because they are from Hollywood. The real Lakers fans can't afford GODDAMN tickets, because Staples is the size of a Greek theater, and the cheapest ticket is a hundred dollars. If you guys are fans, then I'm an astronaut. Pricks.

Friday, December 12, 2003

He's back

It wasn't long ago where I brushed off McCourt as a pretender to the throne, a loser type of guy who shows up at car dealerships for the free test drives, but ends up never buying, and driving off in his Ford Pinto. Well McCourt proved me WRONG or at least is pretending to prove me wrong by handing over the paperwork to the Commissioner's office to buy the Dodgers.

McCourt, whose estimated assets, some ghetto ass parking lots in Southie Boston, are reportedly 400 million dollars, coincidentally the asking price for the Dodgers. It should also be noted that Dan Evans has traded away Kevin Brown as well, lowering the team's payroll considerably. McCourt however, has no money to spend on the team, so we should expect the following cost cutting measures to ensure that he doesn't go bankrupt:

1. There will be no more ushers.

2. Hotdogs will be sold in warm buckets, without wrapping. Customers may reach in and grab at their leisure.

3. Beer will now cost 10 dollars per glass.

4. The players will have washed jerseys only once a week. Expect guys who steal bases like Dave Roberts to run around in tatters.

5. Trough urinals will be given to the women's bathrooms. Male bathrooms will continue this usage.

6. Seats will be divided in half, much like Fenway's, for double capacity and renovations to the stadium will also happen as often as they are done to Fenway in order for the Dodgers to have that "quaintness" feel.


With these cost cutting measures, I expect the stadium to be covered by graffitti, sagebrush, and ivy in two years. Sitting in the red roof section, will be akin to sitting at a Tijuana Bullfight/rodeo/Roman Gladiator match, and the parking lot will similar to Tel Aviv during Ramadan. Can't wait! This is the worst of all worlds.
Who the fuck is Kevin Brown?

I mean seriously who the fuck is this guy? He's some big gangly mean dude, who is ripped, and throws fastballs. Do you see fat dudes at the bar with Kevin Brown jerseys? Do you see hot chicks with Kevin Brown t-shirts, with a knot tied in them to show off their jugs? Do the people who go to the stadium and watch games know the hell this guy is? Of course not. And we paid him 15 mil a year.

If we're going to put that much money into some dude, he might as well be a brand name. 15 million dollar investment, if I were the owner of the Dodgers, means I want frigging CONDOMS and TAMPONS with the dude's face on them, I want this guy to be what they mutter about in between Saddam and Bush in conversation. Make sure he has a bad past, that he's a closeted gay, SOMETHING spectacular that it draws attention to the team, attention to the merchandise, FANS THROUGH THE GATES. They say Brown was mean person, ok, did he kill anyone? Did he beat the shit out of any of the smaller Latin men on the team? Did he steal Jim Tracy's glasses? That's the type of mean I want.

But some of you will say, whoa Dodger Kid, isn't this a family game? Yeah dumbass, a family game where they have MURDERS IN THE PARKING LOT, Darryl Strawberry snorting coke off a prostitute's back in the dugout, and RAMPANT steroid use by every player over 200 lbs. Baseball is a sport where you TEACH your son (never your daughter, women don't understand sports) the MEANING of life. That it's ok to take drugs, as long as they enhance your performance and you don't get caught, that it's ok to hate others, so long as you can beat them mercilessly on the field of endeavor. That it's ok to play a children's game, and wear a silly uniform, so long as you're getting paid millions for it, and you're not a Boy Scout troop leader molesting kids. We all know this, though we never say it. That means we should have players who represent all these things, total badasses whose jerseys you want to wear, so that somehow, in some small way, their competitive, nasty spirit will rub off on you, and make you special. But in reality you stay on the ground in your dead end job, while they fly off in their private jet to a Springsteen concert, followed by a brief orgy at the Palms in Vegas.

Whoa, that was a rambling incoherent chunk of nuttiness. See ya tomorrow mofos about the Lakers. Let's hope Malone breaks Nash's nose this time. Fucking pretty boy.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Fame and Blogs

Jon Weisman who writes the blog Dodger Thoughts, was .quoted today by the LA Times. I too was asked for an interview, by the Pasadena Bi-Monthly, not about baseball, but about the fact that my family is the only resident in the San Gabriel Valley to have cars on blocks parked on the front lawn. I ended the interview with a shotgun blast to the sky, and a sip of moonshine made in one of my bath tubs
Brown Gone

One of the last three shit contracts left from that moron Kevin Malone might be destroyed today. The LA Times is reporting that the Dodgers traded Brown for Jeff Weaver, two minor league prospects, and cash. Dan is an ace when it comes to trimming the pestilence off this team, he started with Sheffield, continued with Karros and Grudzielanekulfuckoh, and now he continues with Brown. Brown is a time bomb ready to explode, and has been on the DL each of the last THREE seasons, including this one. I am convinced that he will not pitch well next year for the Yanks:

1. He is made of paper mache and will fall apart for the Yanks. At least half the season on the DL is my guess.

2. He has a huge temper so it won't be long before a New York reporter hiding in his locker to photograph his jock strap is found by him and promptly beaten.

3. Yankee stadium isn't nearly as favorable to pitchers as Dodger stadium.

The fact that this wasn't a straight up trade is just shocking, and shows how stupid the Yankees GM is. Well since it's really George Steinbrenner himself, you can tell how much of an idiot we're dealing with. There's no way in hell Brown will do well in the playoffs, if he's even able to pitch at that point. I personally would keep Weaver and put him on our team, but if Dan can move him somehow and trade him for an offensive upgrade as is rumored, then we should do that too. Good move by Dan, you're back on my "Friend" List. Next move, Darren Driefort for a bucket of baseballs and a dugout water cooler.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Straight from his mouth

Dodgers.com has an article on the front page where Danno is interviewed. There's some interesting quotes from Dan that might bring hope:

We're not looking for salary relief.

Here's a quote that shows he's not a complete moron:

We're not looking to trade a pitcher for a pitcher. If we can get a position player using one of our starters, I'm prepared to do that.

And here's a quote to scare the shit out of you:

People who say[that the sale of the team is preventing moves from being made], are not informed. We've been very clear about this. It's not an issue. Anyone who does business with us knows it's not an issue. We've been very aggressive.

Oh really Dan? To be aggressive means to not sign people? Sigh. Hopefully this means that deals are taking off, but are right now in the planning stages, and will come to fruition sometime in late December. Or we're screwed.
Should white men be allowed in the NBA?

After watching Keith Van Horn get raped by the Lakers yesterday, I'm beginning to wonder if white people should be allowed in the NBA. I mean, I guess if you're seven feet tall, got nothing better to do, and aren't too clumsy, you deserve a job in the NBA. Realistically, you shouldn't have one. You slow down the game. I suppose playing in the NBA might be more exciting than say, working for an investment firm, being a lawyer, playing golf, winning a lot, getting sunburned, having an asian girlfriend...(see I can make fun of EVERY race)

Other than Bird, Stockton, and Nowitsky, has any white man not just TOTALLY sucked since 1980? And don't give me Nash, the guy is just an assist maker, any black guy could take his place without notice. But boy does he have hot girlfriends.

And don't tell me about Pistol Pete, or Jerry West, ok yawn, wow. Yeah those guys were great. They didn't even have three point shooting back then, and they threw grannies for foul shots. It wasn't even a game back then. And America sure as shit didn't watch the NBA in the 70s. The double dribble was still legal. They wore Converse for god's sake.

WARNING WARNING...THE FOLLOWING IS VERY UN-PC AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. YOU WERE WARNED...

.As I was driving home from work today, I almost ran over a retarded guy. I'm not calling him retarded for daring to walk in the path of my motor vehicle, he was actually retarded, and coming from my city's local recreation center for the mentally small.

I wasn't paying attention, instead I was looking at his fellow retards waddle out of the rec center, to catch buses, or get picked up (they sure as shit aren't going to drive themselves, thank god), I realized what could have happened. If I had continued to watch this mentally ill woman scream incoherently at ghosts only she could see, for one mere second longer, I would have felt a tremendous impact, and then seen an approximately 200 lb body smash into my windshield, and tumble over my roof to the road behind me. I would have then screamed in horror, realized that I had killed someone, and driven off as fast as possible. As soon as I reached home, I would have taken a hose, washed down my car, and borrowed money from my parents to replace the windshield as soon as possible, and pray that no one took down my license. It would have been bad.

What's the point of all this? The fact was, nothing happened. Just like with Dan Evans, nothing has happened. He hasn't made a move, and that's a good thing. Now that the moment is passed, my chances of killing that poor schmuck are nil, and just the same are my chances of scoring with a supermodel. Dan's chances of signing a big time free agent are basically gone, but so are his chances of fucking everything up. In short, you can't fail if you never try, so thank goodness Dan isn't trying. Thoughts to live by.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

In celebration of Robin Ventura

I've decided to link to this wonderful picture of a rookie Robin Ventura and Nolan Ryan meeting for the first time: click here.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Phew that was close

Remember the time you almost put soap in your hair instead of shampoo, and you stopped yourself just in time? Or remember when you were just about to go home with that fat chick, but in the middle of your drunken haze you thought twice? Or the time you were experimenting with the blender in the kitchen, and you had your pants off, and then...you stopped yourself. That was how close the Laker game was. It was THAT CLOSE.

Which of course is shameful. And that makes my above examples relevant. I could go with bashing the players, bashing Kobe, bashing the refs, but I'm going to go with my new favorite, bashing Phil.

Now that he is the most inactive coach in the NBA, and just another fan on the court like Jack, every move he makes becomes a move through the motions rather than a well thought out coaching decision. His patented, typical coach move: Pull the starters, let the bench play.

The bench is on the bench for a reason: BECAUSE THE NBA REQUIRES THAT YOU HAVE A BENCH!! If those guys were good, they'd be starters. But they're not, because they suck. Many of them are from delightful radioactive cold countries like Bulgaria, Ukraine, Chechnya, Kaboomistan, Sillyostan, and the country where those bad guys who fought Rocky and Bullwinkle were from. They're big, they're white, and they suck shit. Don't PLAY THEM PHIL. LEAVE THE STARTERS IN. The bench combined for less than 10 points, and they're a liability. Unless the starters are injured or beyond exhausted, then you take them out. Otherwise, leave 'em in....

Also, in other news, John's Dodger Blog has restarted after a brief hiatus. Check it out.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Ventura is re-signed

Rotoworld is reporting that the Dodgers have re-signed Robin Ventura to a 1.2 million dollar contract. In 127 plate appearances he hit 753 OPS at Dodger stadium.

When I first read this, I was shocked. I mean, isn't this guy washed up? What about Beltre? Evans and Tracy allegedly got into a tiff this past season over Ventura's playing time. Evans wanted him to play, Tracy didn't. I doubt Ventura is going to play first, at least I pray to God that he won't, so this means that Beltre is getting the old heave-ho.

I'm torn here. Beltre isn't terrible defensively, and he's middling offensively. He does have power potential. But he's been mediocre since becoming a starter, hitting never higher than 729 OPS. But he's so damn young! With Beltre we know what he's capable of, whereas Ventura will be 36 next year. Can he play most of the season? Beltre's good for every game... I think this is a mistake. If Beltre is used in a trade for someone really good, well then, we'll see. But right now, I hate you Dan.

NEWS UPDATE: The Dodgers offered arbitration to Alvarez and Quantrill. They know that Quantrill will reject, as he has joined the Yankees, so that will give them draft picks. Rotoworld thinks Alvarez will come to the Dodgers, and in interviews Alvarez has said he was grateful for Evans resurrecting his career. But money talks, and there are probably other teams that want Alvarez, so we'll see. This all means that the Evans is still able to make decisions though the sale is up in the air. That little Irish elf bastard McCourt is reported as being unable to purchase the Dodgers. Duh. The bright side of Evans being able to make moves means that I can yell at him for mistakes, and he has no one to blame but himself. Which is always cool. I'm actually not going to panic until December 20th when the GM winter meetings take place. After that, it's a free for all on Danno's ass.

I'll write about the Lakers tomorrow.


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