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Saturday, December 20, 2003

Thanks Kobe

Real quick note on the Lakers. Kobe had the game winning shot, but all in all I'm disappointed by the Lakers efforts. Outside of Shaq, the team has played like shit, but with Shaq, we can still cruise into the playoffs. Hopefully the Lakers allowed the Nuggets to come back in large part because of the reputation the Nuggets have of being absolutely terrible. They're still a terrible team, just not ABSOLUTELY terrible.

And isn't that Earl Boykins a tiny little booboo baby? It's fun to see that the NBA has a father/son program like many companies do nowadays. Boykins is about the size of one of Shaq's dumps, and I'm not sure if he has any relevant skills to the game of basketball. But with those baby hands, and Super Mario like jumping ability, he takes our eyes off the rest of the game, and is as entertaining as a circus freak sideshow. Why he was covering anyone BUT Derek Fisher, the shortest person on the Lakers is anyone's guess.
Hilarious

I thought this was funny, and I saw it on a Dodger message board.

(LOS ANGELES) Dec. 20 -- Los Angeles Dodgers general manager Dan
Evans was unable to acquire a Belgian waffle during his breakfast at the
Beverly Palm Hotel this morning, sources reported.

Evans had reportedly placed his order for the culinary delight at a
little after 10 AM, but was informed that the kitchen had already
stopped serving "specialty" items. There are unconfirmed reports that
Chicago White Sox general manager Ken Williams enjoyed a Belgian waffle
with raspberry preserves and whipped cream along with a tall glass of
fresh-squeezed orange juice at the hotel restaurant earlier in the
morning. Evans settled for a continental breakfast of danish and
coffee.

"The danish is a more cost-effective alternative," Evans said in a
statement. "Although many were disappointed that our efforts to obtain
the waffle were unsuccessful, the danish was tasty and will provide
sustenance for the rest of the morning." Evans noted that the
continental breakfast also came with a mini-croissant, and provides
financial flexibility to pick up a nice salad later at lunch.

Outrage over the less-than-spectacular breakfast is already spreading
amongst Dodger fans. L.A Times columnist Bill Plaschke wrote, "Yet
again, this once-proud franchise has to take a backseat to a team they
should be running laps around. The White Sox can go out and get a
Belgian waffle, but the Dodgers can't? Were they out of pancakes too,
Dan???"

Internet message boards were overrun with disgruntled fans expressing
their dismay. "The Belgian waffle would've been a terrific addition to
the meal," wrote one frustrated fan. "We haven't had a truly great
breakfast since 1988."


Friday, December 19, 2003

Fire Dan Evans

Rotoworld.com is reporting that the Dodgers re-signed Alex Cora. Cora is the better of the shit hitting duo that is Cesar Izturis, and a win-share analysis (meaning who helped the team win more, for the less stat inclined of you out there) had him having more shares than Izturis. But once again, we have Evans refusing to upgrade at this position, and instead re-signing the same chucklehead fuckoids who can't get on base. Cora should have joined his no talent brother Joey Cora, making coconut milk in Puerto Rico.

UPDATE:

Actually I just read that Joey Cora is now the third base coach for the White Sox. Expect them to finish last in the AL Central.
The Minors

Dodger Thoughts, the serious blog, has an article detailing the Dodger farm system, by someone who is passing himself off as an expert on it, much in the same way I try to pass myself off as an expert on everything. I've decided to steal the article from Jon, because I am incapable of original thought, and obessively try to write about the Dodgers as often as possible.

Names are bandied about: Edwin Jackson, Greg Miller, Joel Hanrahan, Xavier Paul, Reggie Abercrombie and Fitch, etc. etc. All these youngins have one thing in common: They're all PITCHERS.

Pitching in Dodger stadium for a professional pitcher, is like picking my nose. It's REALLY easy. Anyone can do it. A complete loser like Wilson Alvarez (who we signed yesterday for absolutely nothing, Alvarez should have fired his agent), Hideo Nomo, hell even Kevin Brown, all these guys found a second chance in Dodger stadium, so long as they stayed healthy. It's wide open spaces, the team's wiry poor hitting Latinos catching every possible ground ball, it's deep walls, the stadium's low elevation, all these things contributed to low ERAs, ERAs that COULD NEVER have been achieved in other ballparks.

What that means is that we shouldn't be stingy with the pitching prospects. We should be GENEROUS with them.

Bill James, who is seen by many as a THE prominent baseball writing weirdo, contends in his book, "Whatever Happened to the Hall of Fame?", that Don Drysdale shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame. He gives a lot of reasons for this, but one of his biggest was the fact that when Drysdale pitched, and had his best seasons, the Dodgers actually had a decent offense behind him. One of the myths in LA Dodger lore has been that the Dodgers have been successful without hitting. In fact, except for perhaps the 1988 championship season, ALL of the other Dodger winning seasons had at least a DECENT offense.

But I look at the above article I linked, and every MOFO in our minor league system seems to be a pitcher. Koyie Hill, who was talked about as the next coming of Christ, is reportedly only good enough to be a back up catcher. He was one of the most PROMINENT position players in our system. Not good. Joe Thurston, the second baseman who was compared to Joe Morgan, is absolutely terrible, and there's no evidence that he will even MAKE the big leagues. Last year in 2003, the Dodgers website had this bullshit DIARY that Thurston was supposedly writing, on how hard he was working in spring training. When he didn't make the team, it was an omen of the Dodgers that entire season.

Evans, that low to the earth, pale, plaid wearing dumb fuck, needs to get his shit together and start AT LEAST, trading away the pitching prospects for hitting prospects. Or for hitting NOW. Remember, Ricardo Rodriguez was our number one pitching prospect two years ago. Now he's struggling in the majors after being traded away, and has medical issues, that might preclude his EVER having a career. Any of these youngins that we have in our system might be the next Clemens, or the next piece of shit that breaks down as often as a FIAT, like Dreifort. Choose wisely, my Son, Dan Evans. Choose WISELY.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Weird

There aren't any games for the Lakers until Friday, so I won't do a real update then. I've been thinking recently of how Evans is this lying sociopath, sort of like a politician. Every move he makes, no matter how incompetent, is always glossed over, or spun into something positive. Like most fuck heads in the media, he is incapable of doing wrong. He has said on at least one occasion that he doesn't like signing players to multi-year deals, something that he obviously shown, and yet, when a trade falls through, such as the one for Derrek Lee, he says something like, I didn't want to sign the player because he only had one year left on his contract. So essentially Danno, the chubby little pale liar, doesn't like signing players to one year, or more than one year. Actually he's telling the truth, since we haven't signed a FUCKING PLAYER to the five open position spots that we DESPERATELY need someone to fill: First base, left field, second base, shortstop, center field. At these positions we have someone who is an incredibly mediocre hitter, who is an absolute detriment to the team. And we've signed Encarnacion to fill all those spots. This is my break year for Evans, if we don't make the playoffs this year, they have GOT to fire this asshole.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Is Evans a pussy?

I was thinking back a couple years, something QUITE hard to do when you consider how many hallucinogens I did in college, and analyzing the pick ups that Dan Evans has done. In all his time with the Dodgers, he has NEVER, bought a big free agent. And now I know, I can reasonably predict, that the Dodgers will not make the playoffs in 2004.

Evans was quoted, in some goddamn article that I can't find, that he NEVER signs players to very long term contracts. If I was a sabrmetric nerd, I would say, RIGHT ON BROTHER, instead I'm a person living in the REAL world, and have to tell DANNO, that no big free agent is going to agree to sign to a one year plan. They want to be able to be earning the big bucks, even when they suck. That means WE WILL NEVER have a big free agent big bat. You can't do what we've done with pitchers, which is to bring burned out, lost cause players like Nomo, Alvarez, Perez, and resurrect their careers, because we are in a pitchers' park. Evans is impotent, and I don't mean can't get it up impotent, because he regularly begs teams and free agents for their big bats, but the kind of impotent where you can't finish, you can't DO YOUR SWORN GENETIC DUTY, and SPILL YOUR SEED!!! He's never pulled the trigger, bopped her in the deuce, filled the glory hole, etc, etc, ad nauseum, superlative blah blah blah. THIS IS THE YEAR TO START DANNO!!! You need to make it here, you need to commit. Our farm system might look promising, but so are my chances of winning the lotto. A free agent, is a proven commodity, a farm system is filled with snot nose brats, who may or may not make it, sort of like Frank McShit's kid. Take a chance, dump one of our prospects, and for GOD'S SAKE, get us a big bat. And not just one, we need AT LEAST TWO. So if the Nomar trade goes down, we still got space at first base and the outfield. And Encarnacion is not a big bat.

On a side note, look to Jon's Dodger Thoughts for a much more thoughtful (i.e. mathematical) analysis of how much of a piece of shit Encarnacion is. His defense will help our pitchers a little bit, but the guy cannot fucking hit. I wrote below that I didn't like the trade, but I feel my first analysis wasn't nearly negative enough, and Jon is RIGHT ON THE MONEY as to how shitty of a buy this is. Thank god it cost us nothing, only a crap single A player. I thought about going back and editing my own work to make it look like I understand stats as well as Jon, but I figured one of you would call me out, and I'd look like an asshole. Basketball analysis tomorrow, mofos.
The truth comes OUT

The LA Times is reporting that McCourt is trying to buy the Dodgers ENTIRELY ON LOANS. He's not even putting up his parking lots as collateral. I wrote below on this subject, and thought that he would have the DECENCY to use some of his own assets, instead this Leprechaun ASS HAT is buying the Dodgers from money borrowed from FOX itself, banks, and the concession stand company for the Dodgers. The Dodgers have poor revenue levels, so unless McCourt is a goddamn magician, there is simply no way in HELL he is going to be able to pay off this debt. It just can't happen. Evans is running around saying that the income levels aren't affected, but what about the future? Is FOX covering our ass until the Green/Dreifort contracts run out? McCourt could never afford to pay for the Dodgers huge payroll, there's just no fucking way. Evans has succeeded in lowering payroll dramatically this year, and he's gone after ZERO big free agents, so my chief worry is that we're about to field a team on the skill level of the Tigers/D-Rays. I have a feeling 2004 will be our first 100 loss season ever. A combined gang bang by FOX and McCourt has really raped this team. FOX clearly just wants the Dodgers off their hands and they'll do anything to get rid of it, including selling it this century's version of PT Barnum. McCourt is a swarmy snake oil salesman, he looks like that bullshit psychic John Edwards, he is the anti-christ I am convinced of it. If I ever meet him, I'm going to throw holy water in his face and watch him melt.

If Bud Selig, who is the closest example we have on earth to a real in the flesh member of Satan's royal court, is having trouble with this transaction, then the SHIT HAS OFFICIALLY HIT THE FAN. Another year of FOX ownership and limbo. McCourt is a two time LOSER, who failed in purchasing the Red Sox, because the townspeople of Boston threatened to lynch him when he wanted to raze Fenway and build McCourtLand in Southie, and replace the Green Monster with a fullsize nude bust of himself. He also failed in procuring the Angels, which for a millionaire should be a piece of cake, and is akin to me failing to open the refrigerator and drinking milk, that team is worth almost nothing.

This guy is a two time clown loser, a parking lot dealer, and a joke. His first move of brilliance is to put his 22 year old son in charge of something, so you know if by the sheer will of all that is evil in the world he procured the Dodgers, the team will probably be disbanded, and I'll be rooting for Anaheim come this time next year. All rich 22 year olds are good at doing is starting up drug habits and debating whether the Peace Corp, or a graduate degree in underwater basket weaving is worthwhile. McCourt has no money whatsoever, and he's totally not willing to risk any of his money, so when shit goes sour, that guy is on the next boat to Bora Bora, and the Dodgers are destroyed. I think I'm going to be sick. I want this guy out of my city, and to high tail it back to that frozen shit hole Baaaaahstun, with Nomah, PRONTO!!!!

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Well, well, well

Upon hearing the news this morning, I did what any sensible American would do, and checked my basement to see if there were any Arab bearded maniac motherfuckers chilling down there, hiding from the cops. There weren't any, but I could see how somebody could live off a diet of rat turds and paint chips, just like the leader of Iraq did for nine months. I don't know what this has to do with the Dodgers, but people are acting like this guy getting arrested is the solution to all our problems, and the troops will be home on the next plane now that we won, so I'll keep a lookout for the mail to see if and when I get my refund for this clown ass war.

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