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Saturday, January 17, 2004

Eli Broad I love you

The LA Times is reporting that local billionaire, Eli Broad has submitted a backup plan to buy the Dodgers for mostly cash, if the McShit's plan fails. I know Broad means well, and he would undoubtedly be the best for the team, but of course FOX/Selig fully intends to run the Dodgers into the ground, and I am convinced in a month that the Dodgers will be in McCourt's hands. If there is a God, and any good in the world, Broad will be the new owner, but I highly doubt it. The owners would love to see yet another team run incompetently, it means less competition. Of course its horrendous for baseball.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Shitty Brothers

The quest of the Dodgers to procure superstars' shitty brothers continues. First Tony Gwynn's shitty bro, then Pedro's shitty bro, then Orlando Cabrera's shitty bro, and now Jason Giambi's shitty bro according to rotoworld.com. Jeremy can actually hit, when his shoulder is working. He's just come back from shoulder surgery, so though Evans invited him to spring training and a no-risk minor league contract, the question becomes whether or not we'll see him succeed if he's injured. At best he won't be ready till June. And he's best utilized as a full time player, in the short term he may be another Daryle Ward.

And we signed Rick White to pitch relief. The question is, can he hit cleanup?

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Hope?

Lakers win! Even with that speedy little motherfucker Earl BOYkins running around like a Vietcong sapper on meth, we still managed to pull away with a win, and with our bench playing. The Nuggets played like shit, and that always helps, but our bench is quite good this year, and as soon as Shaq is back, we can coast into a bottom rung on the playoff ladder, and pray to God Tim Duncan has a heartattack so we can win the whole damn thing.

To all the women out there who still believe this is Kobe's team, thank goodness for the nonstop barrage from the media, and the sportscasters reminding us that a Shaqless/plus Kobe team is 0-1000, and a Shaqful/Kobeless team is 95-0. I've said it many a time, and I'll say it again, this is Shaq's team. It is not Kobe's team. Kobe's team, whatever it may be next year, will get to experience what it is like to have one player have possession 90 percent of the time, and throw up constant three pointers that make it 20 percent of the time. Before that season is over Kobe will be stabbed to death by his teammates. A selfish, average defensive player is not what you build a team around. You build a team around a mutant giant like Shaq, Yao Ming, or Tim Duncan who is good on defense, and rebounds.

And now to the Dodgers. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, the LA Times reports that McC**t can't get the owners to EVEN vote on his attempt to purchase the team. Of course the cocksucker is going to get the team, but probably a stroke before midnight on the 31st of January, with all the free agents on the market long gone, and Spring Training a moment away. So not only are the Dodgers going to be purchased by an evil person, they are being purchased by an evil RETARD, whose menace is only matched by his incompetence. This team is DONE.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Lalala, fat lady singeth!

Bryant out for two weeks. Nice. Where's that Seppuku knife when I need it!?!
Are we done?

Like a woman who's just been forced into a two minute lay, her lover already rolled over and fast asleep, Dodger fans are unfulfilled. I would imagine Dan Evans/Frank McCourt could write an interesting book on how to pick up chicks. Lie your ass off, then knock her up so she needs your lackluster support for the next 18 years. That's what we're going to get with McCourt.

I think what angers me most about this whole situation is the calmness of so-called Dodger "fans". In fact, many view this situation as nothing to crow about. In other cities, if a stunt like this were pulled, like in New York, or Boston, McCourt would be hanging from a street lamp now, with the citizens marching underneath his upside down body, each one getting their own hits. In fact, the city of Boston did run out that pice of shit, and like most of the world's immigrants, he ended up in Los Angeles. And he brought to the Dodgers SARS.

Dodger fans are a complacent, stupid bunch. I feel like Hitler in the bunker, screaming at how the German people had failed him, but I must now blame the fans. Where are the protests? Where is the hate? Where is McCourt? No seriously, where is he, can someone give me his address? It says here he ordered a cream pie...yeah I'll wait outside the apartment gate, no prob. Send his son down to open the door. Cool.

I decided to do something, other than write on this EXTRAORDINARILY POPULAR BLOG. (Over 5000 hits, thanks mofos).

I called the police. Here's the transcript:

DISPATCHER: What is the nature of your emergency?

Me: There's been a thievery!

DISPATCHER: How can I help you ma'am?

Me: I'm a boy! Is my voice high pitched or something?

DISPATCHER: Errr, I'm sorry sir, the transmission is shaky, how can we help you?

Me: There's been a thievery! Someone stole the Dodgers!

DISPATCHER: Alright, and how did they steal your Dodge?

Me: The team, the Dodgers. A little Irish elf, and an evil Jewish man stole my team! Help me!

DISPATCHER: Sir, you know that there is a five thousand dollar fine for prank calls to the 911 dispatch office?

Me: (Click).

And so it goes. I've made the first step. Can you make the second? Be a fan and do what's right. Kill your neighbor if he disagrees with you. Cause mayhem. Hire ball players yourself using credit cards. You owe it to your team. You owe it to America. And you owe it to me. It's tough writing this goddamn blog, I have better things to do. Well not really.

Monday, January 12, 2004

OH MY GOD WE'RE BEING RAPED!!!

Did the ANTI-CHRIST take a holiday in LA this winter??!?! Did anyone else see Kobe get fouled tonight?!? What is going on?! Right now the Lakers are like the SuperSonics of last season, with that shit talker Payton the new leader of the team. We are fucked! This was supposed to be the team that would take me through the first half of the Dodger season as an escape from watching the shittiest team in history. But now both will be too much to watch.

If there is any clown, retard, fuckhead, dumbass in Los Angeles who still thinks McCourt is anything but Beezlebub arisen from the Lava to destroy the world, there may no longer be Dodger Dogs at Dodger stadium. See here. I am using some of the analysis from Jon's Dodger blog site Dodger Thoughts, but to expand on this, it means McCourt is some kind of psychopath. Here is a guy who is getting a loan from these people, and then after getting the loan, which was probably given under the assumption that they would still allowed to be the concessions sellers at Dodger stadium, and then McCourt went behind their backs and is forcing them to rebid for their spot. You just don't do that to a business partner, not that it's illegal or anything, it makes for bad blood. If Aramark does win the bidding war, expect your next Dodger Dog to have a pube in it.

In all probability the next season will probably be without Dodger Dogs. Next stop, Dodger games replaced by dirt bike motocross, starring Darren Dreifort as Mr. Breakable. Sweet Jesus, help us all. Help us all.
What the fuck is going on?

I feel like I'm in invasion of the Body Snatchers, and everyone around me is a fucking pod person. If that's the case I might as well go on a shooting spree, because everyone is already a space alien connected to the hive master, and I'm only killing his tentacles, rather than actual people. Why have I come to this conclusion? Read below:

McCourt asked Commissioner Bud Selig whether some owners might vote against him if he spent freely to acquire Guerrero yet presented a financing package heavily dependent on loans. Selig offered no assurances, the source said, and McCourt sent word to General Manager Dan Evans to cease talks with Guerrero.
--From the LA Times

And then read this quote, from the Boston Herald:

MLB commissioner Bud Selig has enormous latitude in applying the rules, consultants said.

"If he didn't want McCourt to own the Dodgers, he would assert the rule," said Andrew Zimbalist, author of "Baseball and Billions: A Probing Look Inside the Big Business of Our National Pastime."

"The rule is implemented at the discretion of Selig -- on a case by case basis or whether to apply it at all."

Added Zimbalist: "Any notion that McCourt can't do this because he's borrowing too much from Fox is not right. Selig can do what he wants."


What the fuck is going on? Selig can make or break this transaction by bringing up the debt limiting rule for buyers and stopping McShit, but instead he's going forward. So my next question is: When did McCourt and Selig start having sex together? Because only two lovers would go out of their way and flout laws for each other like this.

If you are a Dodger fan, you owe it to yourself to commit suicide in a public way. Make sure you mention that it's McCourt's fault that you're doing this. I myself have dependents who need me to stay on in life, so I won't be able to join you in the afterlife with Wee Willie Keeler and Jackie Robinson. I recommend setting fire to yourself in the Dodgers' parking lot. We as fans have got to make a statement, that this SHIT WILL NOT BE ALLOWED!!!!! Do something, SOMEONE!! HELP!!!!

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Power rankings

Using absolutely no statistics, logic, or thinking whatsoever, I have ranked the NL West's teams by offense and pitching. Here goes:

Offense:

Rockies
Padres
Giants
D-backs
Dodgers

Pitching:

Dodgers
Giants
D-backs
Padres
Rockies

Pretty cool huh? I also determined that there is some good from Vlad signing with another team then our own. He's not in the NL West to compete with us. That warms my heart. Can't wait to be destroyed in interleague.
It's late

I come back from a night of drinking and carrousing, and what do I find? Vladimir Guerrero, one of the greatest hitters ever, has signed with the Angels. The Angels have an owner who loves them. We Dodgers have no owner. This is the worst year in Dodger history. We are playing second fiddle to a team that until 2002 was an utter joke.

Reports are that Vlad signed for merely 70 million over five years. That's only 14 mil a year. We could have easily beaten that with the money we saved, and perhaps not signed Odalis Perez. McCourt and his shifty methods of buying the team all but destroyed our offseason chances to procure anyone. Ross Newhan, my new favorite LA Times author writes a simply brilliant piece about the Dodgers, here. My words are usually chock full of cuss words, so it's hard to take them seriously. But the Dodgers have been gang raped. We have been bent over in the showers, and at least 15 huge black guys and aryan brotherhood member have had their way with us. My team is ruined.

Evans, a semi-competent GM, made one good move with dumping Kevin Brown, and then totally failed to capitalize. Much of the fault is McCourt's, and Bud Selig's. The LA Times article corrects me on the point that McCourt hasn't been in control of the team. In fact he has been. He has ruined Evan's ability to make moves by hinting that he wants to fire Evans and hire Billy Beane. The Angels owner Arte Moreno didn't have to fire his GM. He didn't need a GM to tell him who the best players are in baseball, and how he wants them hired. McCourt wants a cost cutter, someone to run his team on a shoestring, because he is poor himself and can't afford the team. The result is the end of the Dodgers.

In a year's time there will be no more Dodgers. Instead there will be condos where Kirk Gibson once hit a World Series Game 1 winning home run. These condos will quickly go bankrupt, McCourt will leave LA disgraced, and baseball will be a faint memory in Los Angeles. I will be dead, slain by a massive stroke after the Dodgers finish 5th in the NL West, behind the Padres. I will be buried in an unmarked grave, but my wake will be well attended because I plan to have it at McDonalds, and give out free happy meals to all guests. I will be shocked if we even re-sign Gagne. If there's anything good that can be drawn from all of this, besides the fact that McCourt has destroyed the most storied franchise in American sports, the franchise that broke the color barrier, it is that after his 22 year old son is named Chairman of the team, and given a plush office, and after I call McCourt McShit for the hundredth time, or compare him to a drunk Irish Leprechaun, there is a small chance that instead of dying while watching a game from our pathetic offense, McCourt might send out a ninja assassination squad to behead me, and then subject himself to the legal process, and be executed. One can only hope.

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