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Friday, January 23, 2004

Predictions

It's time for predictions, because the 2004 roster is essentially done. We'll probably sign Gagne, we've basically signed all of last year's pitching staff, and most of the same retread shit that made up our offense. So without further ado, here goes:

Eric Gagne--He'll be spectacular this year as well. He'll have 62 saves, a record, and they'll be our only source of victories. Estimated weight gain: 300 lbs.

Odalis Perez--He'll have a 4.50 ERA, with 12 wins, 28 losses. Probably one, maybe two shower fights with Paul Lo Duca. Estimated temper tantrums: 16-20, with half of them crying in public.

Jeff Weaver--5.78 ERA, with 2 victories before moving into the bullpen. Will be first player since the mid-1970s to openly smoke dope in the dugout during games. Estimated marijuana cigarette consumption rate: 10 per game.

Hideo Nomo--Will attempt to crack a smile, midway through season after All Star break. Face will fall off. Estimated weight gain: 75 lbs.

Kaz Ishii--Near end of season, a line drive will tear off his penis. Will be ready for spring training 2005. Estimated length of Beatles' style bowl cut: Thirteen inches.

Tom Martin--Will pitch for one batter, every other month. End the season with Tommy John surgery. Estimated number of times it is mentioned that his lover Paul Shuey got him a job by the Dodgers sportscasters: 72 times.

Paul Shuey--Will become the mainstay of the Dodgers' bullpen. And will hold hands with Tom Martin. Estimated number of trade rumors surrounding player: 346.

Guillmero Mota--Will bitch slap Mike Piazza on the rear during a spring training game. Then will run like a little bitch back to the clubhouse. Estimated number of times caught drunk driving: 4 times.

Darren Dreifort--After 3 solid victories, on his fourth start, in the second inning, he will throw his arm into the seats behind home plate. As he runs off to retrieve his arm, his legs will split apart at the seams, and hay will fall out of his legs. Will be ready for spring training in 2005. Estimated number of surgeries before a full body transplant: 16042.

Wilson Alvarez--Will show amazing ability as a reliever, so much so, that everyone will wonder why he's not a starter. Tracy will keep him in the bullpen. Estimated market value: 9 million a year. Estimated value Dan Evans will pay him and Wilson will gleefully accept: 600k dollars.

And now the hitters:

Shawn Green--Will hit 25 homers, 800 doubles, and bat 275. Will lead the team in all offensive categories. Estimated date Shawn will blame frayed cartilage in his forehead that could easily be corrected during the season for sorry effort: September 15th, 2004.

Paul Lo Duca--Will fistfight various angry Latino and black players throughout the league, and his own team. Will demand that they be team players. Will hit 235, with 6 homers, and 14 doubles. Evans will re-sign for 6 years. Estimated # of screaming temper tantrums to LA Times beat writers: 45.

Juan Encarnacion--Will hit 30 homers. Will also strikeout 794 times. Will walk one time. Estimated percentage chance that he will be permanent fixture on team for next 7 years: 94 percent.

Dave Roberts--After attempting to steal his 49th base, will tear his hamstrings in half. Will play 94 games all season. Will win official "Nice Guy, so we can't fire him award" for 3rd season in a row. Estimated # of Good Guy's Radio Spots he does: 9000.

Jeremy Giambi--Hits 145, but bench presses the stadium. Estimated time before sent down to AAA: 3 months.

Bubba Trammel--Kills wife, eats son, leads police on 4 county car chase before dying in a hail of bullets. Hits 6 homeruns. Estimated "personal matters" he experiences and Jim Tracy bullshits through with press: 77.

Alex Cora--Hits 111, with one homerun in Colorado. Is first second basemen in history to catch grounder between his legs while doing headstand. Evans re-signs him for '05. Estimated double plays turned with Izturis while sleepwalking: 5.

Cesar Izturis--Hits .047, with one homerun in Colorado. Only time on base at homegame, forgets where second base is, and runs into outfield for an out. Reveals that Cora is his brother, and both were formerly a trapeze balancing act in Peru together. Estimated # of times Vin Scully calls him "Lil' Caesar": 56500.

Adrian Beltre--I've said this before, but here goes again....hits 35 homeruns, all in August, bats 190. Several homeruns run the bases backwards. Estimated percentage chance he is re-signed for his "break out year potential": 100 percent.

Robin Ventura--Puts cute little blue highlights in his hair for positive team spirit. Hits better than Beltre at age 36. Estimated pre-game interviews he gives: 147.

I think that's about all of them. If I forgot any, you'll have to forgive me, because these guys are pretty goddamn forgettable. See you at the stadium, I'll be the spectator who hanged himself with a bedsheet from the top level.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Fuck, better update...

Sorry folks, but I've started on a social life for some odd reason, and my blog entries have slowed. The only other regular Dodgers blogger, Dodger Thoughts, has just been kicking my ass recently. First he interviewed the webmaster for the Dodgers, who says Dan Evans reads the message forums. If this isn't proof in the pudding that Dan Evans is insane, I don't know what is. Just recently someone posted that they were a woman and that Shawn Green should be traded for complaining about the Dodgers' moves this offseason. To where sweetheart? To the Yankees? Grow a fucking brain.

Dan, don't listen to the message forums, listen to Jon and me. You need a hardass for negotiations, I've been in a few tussles in my time, and agent Scott Boras wouldn't get a DIME from me. Beltre's salary for 04, if I was in charge? Try one cool million, plus a Rum and Coke. Don't like it, try someone else. Play hardball with these pricks, play hardball.

Jon continues to kick my ass with various links of what's going on with the Dodgers. I'm not going to even try to compete. However, I will brag by saying that my prediction that McC*nt will get the team is looking more and more likely. Guess what, mofos, it's a lock that he gets the team. Expect a dark, dark three years ahead of us until his bankruptcy.

If you read this article about what stats are best for analyzing players from ESPN today, and you read specifically the segment about OPS, you realize just how impossibly bad the Dodgers are. 800 OPS is LEAGUE AVERAGE. Last year we had one average hitter on our team, and the rest BELOW AVERAGE. You could platoon Izturis, Cora, Cabrera, Castro, Chavez, Peron, Franco, and every fuckhead in the world, and you'd still have a 700-600 OPS dude in the infield. We're fucked.

And finally to the Lakers. I've really been abandoning them recently. Chris, a loyal reader who regularly posts comments on this blog contends that I am a hypocrite for proclaiming the wonders of the Lakers' bench, and then saying how we will do terribly in the playoffs. I do think the bench we have is amazing. I do think Tim Duncan will score 50 points on the bench's ass in the playoffs. Basketball isn't like baseball: the Playoffs count. In baseball, to win the playoffs, you have to be lucky. In basketball, the team with the best starters wins. That team this year is the San Antonio Spurs, period. Don't think I don't want the Lakers to win. I do. But I must be realistic, not like a dumbass New York Yankees fan, or Red Sox fan who is convinced that this is the year. If Shaq doesn't get back to peak health, there's no way we will pull out a win. Right now the team is BARELY good enough for the playoffs. Without Shaq, and occasionally Kobe, we are done. That's all for now, I'm tired.

Monday, January 19, 2004

We Got Him!

Dan Evans reached down into a shit covered spider hole, and brought out the guy we've been looking for all off season, a filthy 3rd basemen with an newly grown enormous afro and stringy beard. Adrian Beltre was re-signed by the Dodgers for five million dollars. While most people in America are punished, humiliated and fired for doing poorly in their jobs, Beltre was rewarded for a three year statistical decline with over a million dollars. Granted, he has the potential to be a power hitter, and unlike most Dominican players, Beltre is actually YOUNGER than his stated age. Expect 30 homeruns all hit in August, and a .130 batting average.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Eli Broad: Cocktease?

T.J. Simers, the LA Times writer, who copies my writing style without the cuss words, (i.e. writes nothing, and makes fun of everyone possible), reports that Broad has played this game before, and never come through. The letter he wrote as a backup to McShit, is far from a binding document, that would force him to purchase the team.

Everyone has been cheering this move, regardless the 2004 season is a lost cause. The Dodger offense is stupendously, weaker than last year. Records will be broken, as we play dead ball era baseball, against long ball era teams. A great sucking sound will be heard, as all the talent of the MLB leaves the Dodgers.

Will the owners approve this deal with McShit? It depends on FOX. FOX can't influence openly the owners, that would be illegal, since McShit has exclusive rights to the team until the 31st. But a weenie waist like Selig undoubtedly fears what will happen if McShit is not approved. There will be a lawsuit.

Will McCourt suck it up and try for yet a 4th team? Or will he get furious, and just sue the MLB? After three failed tries, including the Angels, I doubt he would try again. He would sue, and settle for millions. The Angels are quite similar to the Brewers, another team up for sale. They are captive to their city, because of a long term lease, and are very inexpensive. McCourt would fail in buying that team as well. The threat of a suit could very well convince the owners to give to McC*nt, but the threat of McC*nt turning the Dodgers into the Expos, and forcing the remainder of the owners to buy the team could be even worse. Let's all rub our Dodger caps, and pray for McCourt to buy a more fitting team, like the Monterrey Cactuses, or the Tijuana Narqueros, or the San Juan Cocainos.

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