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Friday, April 30, 2004

Things I've Noticed

Shawn Green's continual insistence on chit-chatting the opposition when he's covering first base. Instead of just being quiet, and farting on the opposing player, instead he's got to chat him up. So I decided to watch his lips during this game with the Expos. Here's what he said so far:

Shawn: Hey bro. Nice at bat. That Chinese motherfucker Ishii sure can't pitch.

Expo: No shit. You going to the strip club after the game?

Shawn: Yeah man, my wife is perf....

And then the camera cut away before I could see the rest. Another thing I've noticed, the Dodgers have a superhero playing on the team. By day he masquerades as Jason Grabowski. By night, he is The HUMAN OUT. No matter what the fuck he does, his innate ability to not get on base, is the most consistent superhuman power I have ever seen. His weakness? A trip to Minor League Land, something I wish for desperately.

And finally, what's up with the lineup you crazy old spectacled man? Change it already, move Beltre up!!!

Thursday, April 29, 2004

While Iraqis eat their young to survive...

...the Lakers dominate the Rockets, and the Mets fall to the Dodgers. What are the odds that the Lakers and the Dodgers will win their respective championships? I'm thinking 10-1. Anyone willing to bet?

Nomo's velocity is down according to this article. It's time to move Nomo to the bullpen as a one inning reliever. Alvarez needs to move to the front, and perhaps Jackson should be recalled from AAA. Duaner Sanchez could be trade bait.

Why should Nomo move to the bullpen? As a reliever, he won't need to conserve energy to last five-seven innings. Instead he'll be able to use whatever's left of his arm for a short period of time. The last time the Dodgers asked Nomo to move to the bullpen, he demanded a trade. I don't know if he'll scream for that again, but we should consider it. We have a gaping offensive hole at second base....

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

A Note on Last Night's Game

To the girl who threw back Mike Piazza's home run ball that tied Carlton Fisk's record for most homeruns hit by a catcher at the behest of her male friend, you just threw back 10 grand you MORON. If your boyfriend told you to do that he knows nothing about sports or finances, and he'll make a terrible husband.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Lakers Report and a Word on Jim Tracy

Watching the Lakers on Sunday night I noticed several things:

1. Shaq's offensive ability is almost destroyed.

2. We won only because of Karl Malone.

3. Kobe Bryant is a selfish prick who purposely plays poorly to make the game close and give himself clutch shot chances.

4. We are unable to defend against a fast power forward like Stevie Francis.

What does all this mean? I think if Karl and Shaq are healthy, and Kobe stops throwing tantrums, we MIGHT be able to beat the Spurs. The equivalent of Francis is Tony Parker, and Parker is no Francis. He's worse. But Tim Duncan is much better than Yao Ming, the latter who has been totally neutralized by Shaq and by an evil bastard Karl Malone. If you watched carefully there was not a moment in the game on Sunday where Karl Malone did not kidney punch Yao, when the refs weren't looking. Not one minute. Shaq at one point fell on top of Yao, for NO REASON AT ALL. At the end of the game, Yao had fouled out, and was giving the purest Buddhist stare of hate I have ever seen towards another human being, and he gave that stare towards Karl Malone. And I knew at that point that the Lakers had won.

Will the Lakers be able to pull that stunt on Duncan? They will but it won't be as effective. Duncan is a better shooter than Yao, and he's faster. He also has better endurance, and regularly plays games in their entirety. If Karl or Shaq gets injured badly in the next game against the Rockets, or during the Spurs series, we're in trouble. If they can just remain healthy long enough, we can beat the Spurs and cruise through the rest of the playoffs to a championship.

We literally have no defense against a speedy point guard. None. Gary Payton is done as a full time NBA player. Absolutely done. He just can't compete, he doesn't have the speed anymore. Sad but true. Hopefully this will be the last season with him in a purple and gold uniform. Our only hope is that that point guard just won't make enough points to make a difference.

And back to baseball. I'm watching Jim Tracy give his usual King of All Bullshit imitation to Kevin Kennedy. Tracy seems to have bowel issues. He slumps in his seat as if he's about to make poopoo, and he talks endlessly without taking a breath, until he's red in the face. Here's a typical run-on sentence from Tracy: "Yes Kevin, I think Cesar is a great right hand hitter, so it's no surprise he's doing well, and we've seen a lot of maturity from Cesar so I keep switch hitting him, and have you seen Milton he's really given us some pop in the lineup, and by the way did you catch Nomo, a real warrior, by the way, lovely day, Los Angeles is a great place to have a baseball team, and [takes quick breath] did you see how much Alex Cora has progressed to a full time major leaguer..." etc. etc. Yapping his usual crap about how great the team is, everything is wonderful, no problems here. The man is living proof that the position of manager could easily be replaced by an etch a sketch pad controlled by a five year old. Literally random figure drawings could replace the bullshit instructions managers give to players as to when to put in a reliever or a pinch hitter. Tracy should be the Press Secretary for the Bush administration, I have never heard a critical word come out of this man's mouth concerning any of his actions or his team.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Fire Jim Tracy #2

Over 120 pitches for Jeff Weaver and Kaz Ishii. Huh? Is this a way to punish them? I remember when Tracy called Nomo a "Warrior" last year. That's a funny name for blowing out a guy's arm with 200+ innings thrown each of the last two years.

Was it to save our bullpen? Was it to give Ishii a complete game? Is it because he's scared of the glare he'll receive from Ishii when he collects the ball from him? If Tracy wants to express a lesson to these pitchers, by all means hire me to come after their arm with a mallet after a bad outing. I'll knock they're fucking teeth out. Hell I'll go a few rounds with Izturis, even though I outweigh him by a 100lbs, if he screws up a double play.

I'll write on the Lakers later. It's a good day to be an LA sports fan, I'll tell ya...

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