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Saturday, May 22, 2004

Lakers take the first one

Sam Cassell looks like a fetus. I'm not trying to say anything on the abortion issue, but he really does. He has sleepy eyes, a hairless body, and undeveloped facial features. It could be the reason he didn't play too well. Fetuses tire easily without nutrients.

This series, and the next series are going to be sleepers. By that I mean, they're going to knock me the fuck out. Total boredom, because the only really other good team, the Spurs, has been knocked out. The Lakers are dramatically better than the Timberwolves, or whoever wins the Eastern Conference.

And the Dodgers have lost eight games in a row, but the Dodgers are in such a garbage division, they're still in first. Shawn Green is being benched, and we are starting to look like the team we were last year.

We need to procure some kind of hitting, hell, maybe even the newly available crazy man, Raul Mondesi. And we need to bring up some of that highly touted pitching talent we have.

I still think the Dodgers are very capable of winning the division. Not because we're good, but because we play against absolutely terrible teams. Once the Lakers are finished, I'll have time for more in depth analysis of what the Dodgers are doing, but until then, it'll be non-stop superficial comments of the team, so I'll be no different then Kevin Kennedy, or the chuckleheads on Baseball Tonight.

Tune in the mornings after Laker games to hear me on 93.1 FM on the Jonathan Brandmeier show, on Arrow. If you don't listen you won't hear my sweeeeeeeeeet baritone.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Time For Jackson

It's time for Edwin Jackson, or maybe Hanrahan. Nomo is going to miss his next start. Just a thought.
Tracy's Glasses

Something I've noticed. Tracy's glasses aren't real. He has them on the edge of his nose when he's looking at something close up, and then he has them on the edge of his nose when he's looking at something in the distance. What kind of fucking glasses do you not use for long distance or close distance? I hate how he's trying to cultivate this wiser than thou, school teacher routine. I blame him for everything bad with the Dodgers, especially Falkenborg.
Sick

I've had the flu for the past few days, and haven't had the strength of will to update my blog. Now I'm healthy.

I received a letter from someone named Peter Benson with the subject line "Lakers best ever? Fuck that":

First let me say I enjoy reading your blog. Even
though I am not a Dodger or Laker fan, I think your
personality and cynical views on life make it
worthwhile.


That's crazy considering that same personality, and those same cynical views make my life almost unbearable. Go on.

However, I have a bit of a problem with your recent
statement that the Lakers are the best ever. If not
for the first of his many retirements, Jordan and the
Bulls would have won 8 consecutive titles (the first
over a Laker team featuring a Slav as a starter). Six
is still pretty damn good. Your boys in gold won't
even come close to that.


Would that make the Bulls the best team ever? Of course not. That still wouldn't compare the number of championships won by the Celtics or by the Lakers overall. My whole point is that the Lakers are the best team EVER OVERALL. Not now, though I think you could make an argument that the Lakers of four years ago were the best NBA team ever.

The Lakers can't even play 2 games in a row without
bitching and moaning about someone else on the team.
If either Shaq or Kobe were half the man that Jordan
was, they still wouldn't be half the man Jordan was.


Is this the same "man" who's a compulsive psycho gambler and has pissed away so much of his fortune that Magic Johnson, a former Laker, now has a higher net worth than him?

My point being, both those guys are phenomenal players
with a hearty desire to win, just like MJ, but they
are not leaders. They bicker and say they want the
ball more. They complain that the refs are out to get
them. They sit out with pussy injuries.


Kobe's shoulder is made of tapioca and he missed few if any games. Shaq you might have a point on. Did not Jordan and Pippen hate each other? I would hardly call a Jordan a nice guy, it was well known he was the biggest shit talker in the history of the NBA. And we all know how good of a player Pippen was when he went solo.

Please tell me if I am wrong.

You're wrong.

Up until 4 days ago, you
did not even think the Lakers would beat the
Spurs...now they are the best team...ever? The series
should have been over in 4 games? Give me a break. I
could give you the beneift of the doubt....maybe you
were still in your 15-beer created delusional state
when you wrote that shit.


I didn't think the Lakers could beat the Spurs, but they were so amazing that they did. I don't necessarily think this team is the best NBA team ever, I think the Lakers franchise as a whole is the best franchise ever, hence my comparison of them to the New York Yankees. The fact that we beat the Spurs in a seven game series, is proof enough, and a large enough sample size that we are the better team. Period. The series should have been over in four, simply because the Spurs, in the scheme of things are insignificant ants to the might of the Lakers. And I was sober when I wrote that, though I did have some hot and nasty jpegs minimized in another window that I occasionally glanced at to keep me motivated.

So I'll say it again...the Lakers are the greatest franchise ever. The Bulls had Jordan, and that's about it. The Lakers had/have Johnson, Chamberlain, West, O'Neal, Bryant, Abdul-Jabbar, and probably some other dudes when they played in the MidWest way back in the day that I'm forgetting about. Do I think Jordan is the best player ever? Yes. Do I think the Bulls are the best team ever? No way. If one man made a team, then the San Francisco Giants would be the greatest baseball team ever. Not how things work. I welcome fan submissions, which if they disagree with me, I will promptly destroy with selective quoting.

Tonight the Dodgers start the second game of a three game series against the Phillies. Wilson Alvarez, who I just activated for my fantasy team, promptly surrendered 4 homeruns, including three back to back to back, that fat fuck, and lost the game for the Dodgers. Nomo is pitching, so for the gamblers out there: BET ON THE PHILLIES.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

SWEPT...(or why we must fire Jim Tracy)

I saw only the last game of the three game series against the Reds, in large part because the Lakers were in the midst of costing me 60 bucks.

What I saw, and what I surmised from the box scores, was that Beltre wasn't hitting. Neither was Bradley.

Bradley's probably the third best hitter on this team. Beltre is the best, or at least, he can hit like the best. But that injury he's playing through is too great. It's going to cost him.

This is the same goddamn situation we were at last year, but it was even more desperate last year. Shawn Green was our only decent hitter, but he was playing through a busted shoulder. The question came up as to why management didn't take Green out and fix the problem. The reason he was never taken out was because he was the only decent bat in the lineup, and we needed him desperately, even hurt.

This year things are different. For one, the injury to Beltre isn't too significant. He could probably be back in the lineup in a month. We have a hitting Lo Duca, and Shawn Green is healthier than he was last year. We also have Bradley, who is probably just in a slump and should improve as time goes on.

But the picture I'm getting from management, is the same picture of desperation as last year. Tracy is scared for his job. He needs to wreck Beltre physically in order not get fired. He knows that if this team slumps in the slightest, his job is kaput.

That's the wrong attitude entirely. One might ask, Beltre and the medical staff seem to think he's ok, why not leave him in? Players never want to be taken out, unless their name is Ken Griffey, and they're a pussy. And there have been no direct quotes from the medical staff, only from Tracy. Tracy can easily put pressure on the staff to deny there's a problem. They did it last year with Green, until Green himself admitted there was a problem.

We need to take a chance now, and get Beltre into surgery. He probably is lying to the extent of the injury, due to fear from his last fight with the surgeon's scalpel. That cost him a season. But a win, is a win, is a win, no matter in what part of the season. If we have Beltre out for a month, and can maintain a .500 record that month, get Beltre back, it'll be easy to get regain our position.

So make the smart decision, and take Beltre out. Falling on your ass after every swing is bound to hurt something else. Beltre may be young, but he's not made of steel. And Paul DePodesta, if you're reading this, overrule that nerdy sonofabitch manager of yours. Your third baseman is clearly in pain.

I will be on 93.1 Arrow FM tomorrow between 7am and 8am (the Johnny Brandmeier show) to give my thoughts on the Lakers winning the series. Tune in if you love me. Tune in if you hate me.
Wow, we really won

It's just settling in now. I watched game six at a bar, filled with other pseudo sports fans, and girls asking if they should support the "yellow guys" or the "black guys". After my fifteenth beer, I went into a dream-like mode, and in that dream the Lakers won. It was only this morning that newspapers verified my account of the game.

I just realized something. Goddamn we're the best team ever. Being a Lakers fan is like being a fan of the Yankees' NBA team. We always win.

Do I feel sorry for other teams? Sorry for other fans? Yes I feel sorry for them. Sorry that they are stupid enough to live in small towns like San Antonio, where inbreeding is the norm, and pasteurized milk is a strange fad. I can't help it if a few cattle barons got together to buy a basketball franchise, and put in their "city". What I'm really sorry about though, is that on rare occasion do these hick squatters enjoy a championship.

As America, nay, the world urbanizes, it is my heartfelt plea to prospective owners of sports franchises everywhere, to give in. Let the big money crush your hopes and dreams. Let cities where square dancing, and river baptisms are a thing of the past dominate your puny lives. Violence, sexual depravity, strong sports teams, these are the tenets of the metropolis. So give in to our might. The tragedy here is that the series went to six games...the Lakers should have won it in four.

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