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Saturday, June 12, 2004

Thanks Magic

Magic Johnson ripped the Lakers a new asshole in an interview. Of course since Magic Johnson is the closest thing the NBA has to a saint, he's completely right. Payton is absolutely a terrible player. Just terrible. And Malone is a bitch.

The only thing missing was an attack on Kobe, but Magic probably realized the strain Kobe is under in his life, and left him alone. Me, being a prick, will gleefully criticize Kobe. Start playing basketball you jackass.

And I was real glad to see Sandy ?Koufax back with the Dodgers. McCourt is still looking shiny in pictures, but other than that bringing probably are greatest living legend back into the fold was a classy move.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I blame God, and You

Perhaps Phil didn't sacrifice enough goats to Beezlebub, or didn't boil enough heathen children to please our mighty lord, or maybe it was you "fans" who aren't militant enough, and are busy dialing on their cellphones, who the fuck knows who, instead of watching the game. I saw real loser Michiganites screaming hysterically and allowing their team to win.

AN 18 point blowout is enormous. I don't know if the Lakers can win the series. I'm inclined to think otherwise.

We need to win just one game in Detroit. Just one. We do that and we're ok.

We need Kobe to be a little less selfish. We need Kobe to pass to Shaq more often, and not take stupid shots. We need Kobe to try and make the game close by missing all his shots in the first half, a habit he's acquired this year, and done on several occasions. We know he loves to make the last minute shot because he wants to be seen as a badass, but we don't like shots that cause our hearts to almost explode in nervousness. We need Kobe to know that a jury hates losers, and if we lose the championship it's very possible he'll go to jail for life.

We need Shaq to become a team leader, and not some big fat black dude who tells clever jokes and makes fun of the other players. We need Shaq to punch the other players, and remind them that this is his team, and they should pass to him if they want to win a championship.

We need Karl to know that he's not some stupid "samurai", like he thinks he is. Japanese people hate tall people, and hate black people, so to them he's actually a horrific demon, or at best, an Abobo from the video game Double Dragon.

We need Phil to play someone other than Luke and Medvedenko, the former will probably not be good again until next season, the latter has never been good in his life. We need Phil to try Bryon Russel for once in a fucking lifetime.

We need the fans in LA to step it up, and start being loud. If, by some miracle LA wins a game and takes the series back to Staples, we need some noise for fuck sakes.

We need these things if we want to see a championship. Period.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Am I the only one?

...Who peruses porn sites and THEN peruses baseball stats sites? I'm wondering if it's had an effect on my ability to analyze the game properly. Perhaps I should take a breather or something, get my blood to stop flowing..I dunno. Thinking through a boner is trying to learn quantum mechanics in swahili. The dark side clouds everything.

Anyway, news out of the Bronx is that absolute piece of shit Kevin Brown is injured. It was only a matter of time, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer team of pricks. I hope he's paralyzed.

And I think I might be the only one worried about the Lakers. Lakers' "fans" are such a stupid bunch. They literally expect lucky shots to deliver us from failure. Ummm, no. A just god would never allow a team with an alleged rapist, and lazy fans to win all the time, just because. No fucking way. So that means that the world is really run by Satan, OR we're going to lose.

Jackson better get his nose out of the latest Aleister Crowley/Charles Manson Zen/Buddhist bullshit he's reading, and load up on basketball stats. Larry Brown's only fuck up came when they didn't foul Shaq at the end. That won't happen again. Let's see what happens on Thursday. I predict a Pistons win.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Karl, You Stupid Old Man

You may have noticed a little drama on the sidelines tonight. It wasn't Jack. It was from Karl.

Karl, the 40 year old baby wanted playing time. Even with his bum, ruined, arthritic knee, the sonofabitch wanted his minutes. Even though, he was an absolute liability on the court.

Rasheed Wallace schooled his geriatric ass. Karl couldn't make a shot if his life depended on it, and it was from any point on the court other than the foul line. Even a bunch of those he fucked up. He's completely lost any ability to jump as well.

Sit the fuck down, YOU STUPID OLD MAN, and let the young'ns play. Get to the lockeroom and get some treatment on that broken, creeking, wrinkled black thing you call a left knee. Did you seem him tell Gary Vitti, the trainer, to go fuck himself? And then he brow beat Phil into letting him play. Phil, you've won championships, this gangly mofo hasn't. Tell Karl to sit down, it's time to be a coach.

Speaking of coaching, there's a reason why Larry Brown is in the Hall of Fame, and Phil prays to a serpent for a God and smokes hashsish all day. Larry Brown is a better coach.

Things need to be changed. Karl is an absolute liability. We need someone like Byron Russel out there on defense. Or maybe Rick Fox. Hell put in Walton, the young guy will at least play with heart and energy, and won't need a fucking cane to walk from the lockeroom.

Karl, thanks for getting us this far. Your defense was remarkable the first three series of the playoffs. Now sit your ass down, and wait to collect the ring. I hated you in Utah, and I'm starting to hate you now.

Even though we won, it's not time to celebrate. We BARELY won, and we did it at home. I'm having doubts...
Get off the floor Jack

The LA Times has an enormous article today on Jack Nicholson and his courtside antics. Most people in LA, who would set themselves on fire if a movie star commanded them to, probably got a kick out of the article.

I didn't.

Like most poor people in the world, I plot and scheme, and wait for the day we will all rise up and kill all the rich people in the world, and transform society into an agrarian peasant format, where everyone owns one acre of land, and there are only two children to a family, and we all wear cute identical dungarees, with a funny cap with a red star on it. I hate rich fucking people.

I know Jack thinks he's a badass with his ten bodyguards, slut supermodel he's dating, and the fact that somehow a seventy year old almost midget can effect the outcome of an NBA game. He's not a badass, he's potential trouble.

It's only a matter of time before he fucks with the game in such a way as to turn it against the Lakers. An angry ref, who decides to call Shaq out on fouls, an angry player, who decides to make ten three pointers and knock us out of the playoffs. It can happen, and it has happened, ask Spike Lee.

Basketball, and all spectator sports are not about the fans. It's not about anyone but the players. I know that's a wake up call to some people, who are convinced that they have permission to run onto the field of play and stab their favorite player, but it's really not for you. If we, the masses, had our way, we'd advocate insane stupid things like a slam dunk contest after every game, or a home run derby after every baseball game, a lottery for a lucky fan to be an extra player for a day, and our favorite team to win every year. Can't happen folks. The game is the game, and that's that. Leave it be.

Of course if the Lakers lose the series, I'm liable to go on a shooting spree, but that's another matter.

Monday, June 07, 2004

What the Fuck is going on?!?!

We lost! I can't believe it. The Lakers played absolutely, positively, like fresh baked CACA. Kobe was below average, everyone else was terrible, only Shaq played well. This fucking team we fight against is TOTALLY INCAPABLE of making shots. TOTALLY. That's no excuse. We should be destroying these cocksuckers. I am ashamed of the Lakers, I disown them as my favorite basketball team if we lose the Finals. I will go back to sleeping and watching Cartoon Network when basketball games are aired.

The ONE AND ONLY saving grace of the game was the fact that there was a finely crafted pair of tits seated right behind Phil Jackson. Thank GOD in his infinite HOLYNESS that Phil Jackson was seated most of the game, and that he's a big enough name that the camera was on him for much of the game. If it wasn't for those beautiful chesticles on that anonymous woman seated behind Jackson I would have gouged my eyes out with fingers.

It is totally unacceptable in the game of basketball for underdogs to ever come back against a dominant big city, big money team. Basketball is not the sport dreams are made of, it is a sport of empires, and ruthless spending. We have got to win against the Pistons to continue this proud tradition. I shall add to my daily prayers/wishes of world dominance, an enormous harem, and mind control powers, a Lakers' championship. I wish I didn't have to do it, but I do. Shameful.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Did you know?

I was in New York City last weekend, and I learned something outrageous. Not everyone in America is a Lakers' fan.

In fact, Kobe Bryant is not well liked outside of So Cal. And Rick Fox is one of the most hated men on earth.

It's hard to believe. But tonight, the Lakers play to win another NBA Finals. And everyone will be watching. And most of those watching, outside of Los Angeles, will be watching to see us fall and fuck up.

And that's ok, because we're going to win it all. AGAIN.

One last note:

Shawn Green's OPS: 737
Cesar Izturis' OPS: 744

Shawn Green's salary 2004: 16 million dollars.
Cesar Izturis' salary 2004: 360,000 dollars.

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