Friday, January 21, 2005

Application for Dodger General Manager

You attempt to trade the same starting pitcher twice, and fail miserably. Do you:

A--Admit to the media and the fans that you are new at being a GM, and ask them to bear with you, until you get the hang of things...

B--Tell the media that in fact it is the part of a master plan, that only you have knowledge and understanding of.

You are asked what your favorite novel is by the media. Do you:

A--Say that it is the Bible, or perhaps the Boys of Summer, showing your respect to both the fan base and to baseball, even if it is a lie.

B--Say that it is Atlas Shrugged, an absurd novel that proclaims the values of selfishness, raw naked capitalism, and extraordinary hatred of those around you who you think are mentally smaller than you are.

You have a choice between two free agents. Both will sell for a similar price. One is the third baseman who lead the majors in homeruns last season at the age of 25 and was a development of your farm system, the other is a center fielder who is 28, played one complete relatively injury free season, and has been rejected as a starter by two other division winners of last season. Do you:

A--Go with the third baseman, risking getting into a bidding war with a team with a lower payroll.

B--Go with the outfielder, though you will be safe from a bidding war, even though he is represented by the same agent, and you will most likely overpay for his services based on his injury history.

Let's say you went with the outfielder, who saved you some money. You need to bolster your pitching staff. What do you do with that saved money? Do you:

A--Spend it on a starter who is decent.

B--Wait until most of the available starters on the market are procured,then get an extreme groundball starter who has been on the decline the last two seasons, and then proceed to tell the media that it is all part of your plan, and show that in fact, your plan all along was to get this type of starter because statistical evidence shows that the combination of several environmental factors will change him to a decent pitcher. Then in addition to that, you will sign him to a four year deal, when there will be little doubt that he will be a below average pitcher. All the while you will not mention that the team that dropped him, was also a sabermetric team.

You believe you need a new second baseman. Do you:

A--Get a weak hitting, but good defensive second baseman, in order to back up your extreme ground ball pitcher who you have signed for the next four years.

B--Get a 37 year old second baseman, well known for lying about injuries, and fighting with teammates, who by any rational measurement is a terrible defender, and whose hitting stats have been clouded by the fact that the last two seasons he played in an extreme hitter's park.

You need a first baseman. Do you:

A--Go with a well established power hitting first baseman who is coming off a down year, and is available for under fair market value.

B--Go with an unproven 8 foot tall Korean.

Your boss has lied to the media about the amount of your budget by 10 million dollars so that he may buy a mansion for himself. Do you:

A--Resign in anger at being lied to, and being a part of a sham organization.

B--Say that you really didn't need that extra 10 million to be competitive, and that this is all part of your plan.

If you answered B to any of the above questions, you are MORE than qualified to be the general manager of a once great franchise. Call now and set up an interview time.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Name That Team

They play in a desert. They have a starter who is coming off a terrible 2004 season, showed great promise in the past, but it is questionable whether he will be able to make a comeback. They have an overpaid, clearly on the decline pitcher, whose stats last year were unremarkable. They have no clear catcher, and are relying on minor league level talent to step forward. Their third baseman is past his prime, but has some power potential. Their first baseman is young and unproven. Their second baseman is an overpaid veteran. Their shortstop is incredibly light hitting, but has great defensive abilities. Their left fielder has a torn ligament in his elbow.

Which team am I talking about? Not the Diamondbacks. The Dodgers. Leave your confidence at the door. Your 2005 NL West Champions, the Padres!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Something I just Realized...

Ok our budget is around 90 million. McCourt lied and said it would be 100 mil, it's not, nor will it ever be again. So what happened to that 10 million?

This is what happened...McCourt spent about 10 mil, redoing the park. Notice how the things affected are the rich people's seats. The padded ones, with the slaves serving crepes, tiger penis soup, other rare delicacies. Meanwhile I'm sitting in the reserve section on cracked concrete from the Kennedy administration. Thanks Frank.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Are We Done?

Are the Dodgers done shopping? Aren't there any super cool Asian players we can grab, some jungle dude from the Caribbean, some washed up redneck we can plug into the lineup for some pop? Is this it?

We have punk ass Drew, who if he had Beltre's ailments, would have retired from baseball. We have Jeff Kent, with the super cool stache, and the punk ass attitude. Hee Seop Choi looks a little punk ass too. Wipe that grin off your face, bitch.

I feel unsatisfied. Now I know what a woman feels like with a mate who's quick on the trigger, if you get my drift. It sucks.

We need a new catcher, we need another outfielder, annnnnnnnnnnnnnd...that's about it. Then we can win the series. Oh yeah, we should move Izturis to third, and Valentin to short. Sounds crazy, but I think it will be better defensively than Valentin at third and Izturis at short. And we still get the same offensive stats.

And to those who think I'm wrong about Kent, go fuck yourselves. I'm always right because I'm a genius. I'm on the radio, I'm famous now. I don't need this shit from the peasants.

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