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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Spring Training

Spring Training started yesterday. Awesome. The reason I've never been is because it's on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE FUCKING CONTINENT. Move to Arizona assholes, the fan base in NYC is long dead.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Weighing in on the Steroid Issue

I've been asked by most of the larger sports media publications my opinion on steroids, and after much cajoling, have decided to publish it.

Most great athletes cheated to be on top. Lance Armstrong's blood is made of chlorine, Babe Ruth used cocaine, Secretariat was a robot, Barry Bonds used steroids. To be the best in your sport you simply have to cheat. And the fans want it.

If baseball were to revert to its 1970 era stats, with really good thin pitchers, and really shitty thin hitters, and really tight pants, no one would watch. It's too boring.

I think we should have testing, but it should be structured in such a way that the test dates are all known, and they occur in a reasonable time so that someone using steroids will go undetected. But the structure of the testing will allow for reasonable steroid use that won't harm the player. Obviously if you do a lot of steroids, your back will get zitty, a tumor will grow in your head, and your balls will shrink to the size or raisins. But if you do just a little bit of roid, you can be a great athlete and minimize the damage to your body. Everyone knows that. Drugs are in general good for you, it's the addicts who give us all a bad name. A little coke does wonders for your math skills, weed calms you, the drink makes your wife prettier, cigarettes make you look cool.

So lay off America. There are more important things to deal with than athletes taking drugs. Eventually we will be able to genetically mold children into athletes and all this drug shit will be unnecessary. But until then, sit tight, and watch the homers fly.

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