Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Lowe and Behold, we Suck

At least our defense does. Or at least Valentin's defense does. I'm thinking mid season release, and trading for a third baseman from somewhere, someplace. Nakamura is looking good.

I hate fans. I'm not a fan. I'm a studier of baseball. The fans are the stupidest people on the earth. USA Today did two polls, one asking if someone found guilty of steroid use should be allowed in the Hall of Fame. Most people said he shouldn't be. Then they asked, which would they prefer, a game with a lot of homeruns, or a pitcher's duel. The fans promptly chose a lot of homeruns.

HOMERUNS COME FROM STEROIDS. Period. This is what allows a shit player like Jose Canseco to make out with Madonna, and make a billion dollars on a ghost written drug expose.

If you peruse any of the MLB message boards for more than 10 seconds, I challenge your head to not explode into flames. The typical blather by some dipshit about a player who decided to choose money over team loyalty and betrayed us, or how this or that statistical based analysis has ruined the game. LISTEN TO ME!!! No one in their right mind would turn down a job that paid them twice as much as their current one, even if it is in another city unless they were taking care of their sickly mother, and played the violin for a living like Van Cliburn. NO ONE.

And why in the world is mathematical statistical analyis the order of the day in every fucking facet of life EXCEPT SPORTS? Somehow sports has entered the bizarro phantom zone without me knowing, and become immune to mathematics. The employees in sports, i.e. the players, may perform shittily, but we are bound to them because they are cute and small (Lo Duca), or tall and throw fast (Mota). It is my firm belief that professional sports writers are all mentally retarded with a few exceptions like Rob Neyer. The rest of them are absolutely outpatients from the psycho ward. Bill Plaschke, a detestable little vulgarian with a bald top, who earns several million dollars a year for typing incomplete sentences is my nemesis, along with his obscene self-promoting blow hard pal T.J. Simers. To equal their intelligence, I would have to take a 357 magnum to my temple, aim it so that I wasn't killed but that the entire front portion of my brain was destroyed. Only then would I achieve their level of stupidity and insanity. It is a miracle that by opening up the newspaper every day and turning to the sports section that my sphincter doesn't completely collapse, and my head implode when I read their absolute tripe. In the New World Order, if I were Commissar, I would immediately order their execution for defilement of the State. They are that stupid.

Ok I'm done. I need to rest.

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